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POSTED ON SEPTEMBER 22, 2021 BY SECRET AGENT POPO

The Strange Case of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde all the Booze Please!

I’m going to tell you a story and I want to see if you can guess what it is (if you already read the title, just pretend you didn’t). This is a story that’s been passed on from generation to generation. Okay, there was this man who was a respected member of society that kept having these animalistic urges. Real primal desires that he couldn’t Think of acting out because of how society would view him. So, he goes and drinks an elixir that changes him into a gruesome, motor-functionally challenged person that is free from shame, the opinions of others and all of the other negative emotions we feel when we act contradictory to expected societal behavior. Think of Danny Devito looking man with the posture of a baby kangaroo. This alter ego begins to act on his primitive desires: sex, violence and debauchery. This respected man drinks the potion mostly on the weekends and continues this pattern of chaos for an extended period of time until people begin to recognize him and he can no longer get away with using his alter ego anymore.

Did You guess Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde? Good guess you lovable bunch of assholes! No, the title of this story is called “Saturday Night” and it’s written by every male over the age of 18; and only the cool kids that are under 18. I have written and re-written this story over and over again. My friends in college would call me two names. The first one was Solar Eclipse. That would be when I would black-out day drinking. My other name was Lunar Eclipse and that would be when I would black-out night drinking. On the, I wish it was more-rare occasions, where I would accidently block out the sun and the moon on the same day, my friends would call that visiting Alaska in the winter. Are you seeing a trend here?

This is real, I did have a problem blacking out in college. I would turn into a completely different person, much like Dr. Jeckyll transforming into Mr. Hyde. I would use alcohol to help myself talk to girls, free myself from societal pressures and just overall do all of the things that I always wanted to do but never had the balls when I was sober. [Here’s an example: I would always want to fuck girls when I was sober but I never did. My solution to this problem was drinking my potion, Bud Light, and all the girls that I wanted to fuck when I was sober still didn’t want to fuck me but because I was drunk, my standards free fell like Tom Petty. I would also do stupid shit like put drugs in my body in places they shouldn’t be. You’re all probably thinking that I’m talking about my asshole, but guess what? You’re not supposed to put drugs in any part of your body you drug-addicted perverts.]

I don’t drink anymore and its made my life much better. I’m so much more productive now. That being said, I do miss it sometimes. The thing I miss the most was waking up in places other than my own bed and trying to figure out how I got there. It ws like Lunar Eclipse would lock himself in an escape room on a Saturday night, and Secret Agent PoPo got to figure out how to get out on Sunday morning. It was the best part of the week, unless Lunar Eclipse decided to “lock himself” in a prison “escape room”, because it was really hard to do anything with hand cuffs on.

            After hearing about all of my past discretions, it may not be that surprising to hear that I quit drinking. I actually quit drinking and got sober half-way through my senior year of college (hold your virtual applause for when I get back on the wagon please). I know a lot of people are thinking, “How could you start raw dogging life during your senior year of college, it’s supposed to be the best time of your life”. Yes, but you’re also not supposed to wake up on a Sunday morning and look like you volunteered to be the stunt double for the slab of meat from the original ‘Rocky’. I just wasn’t built for drinking (I’m not like other guys). People’s bodies are very different. I would binge drink on a Saturday night and feel like I had the problem-solving ability of a prematurely born baby giraffe until Wednesday or Thursday. Ozzy Osborne could snort crushed up infinity stones through his asshole and be preforming at Wembley Stadium the next night. People are just DIFFERENT. So, long story short, go and read Robert Louis Stevenson’s Strange Case of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. It’s a great read.